Posted Wednesday 04 April 2007

The Terror of Voicemail

San Anselmo, California, June 6, 2003:Adrienne will be dropping by the Department of Motor Vehicles, to renew her license, to take her pretty picture and provide a thumbprint.

She has an appointment for next week, but she cannot go to her appointment, due to the convenient DMV voicemail-appointment system.

It sounded like a good idea.

She's a dogwalker, and sometimes brings playpals to visit our border collie, Tulip. Tulip's best friend, a loud and brassy retriever, was visiting at lunchtime, and Adrienne thought this afforded time enough for eternal voicemail, so she called the DMV.

After selecting English and hearing important information about how they will monitor the conversation -- what conversation? -- she heard about their hours, and how to get to the place, which she passes daily when she's working.

Then came another series of options: "Please press 1 to make an appointment ... You have pressed 1 to make an appointment; is this correct? Please press 1 if correct, or press 2 if not correct, or press 3 to hear these choices again."

Tulip and pal are standing beside her. Half their attention is on her -- let's play ball! -- and half they're scouting for intruder dogs on the sidewalk. Adrienne ignores them, frowning in concentration. The voicemail has reached an important point.

She has been offered one date or another date. She has selected one date. She has confirmed one date. She is receiving an Important Message: "Please have a pencil handy to write down your Appointment Code. You must bring the Appointment Code to your Appointment. Your Appointment Code is-"

A corgi and a ratty-looking terrier skitter down the sidewalk, dragging a young boy on a leash. "Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap!" exclaims Tulip's friend. "Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!" exclaims Tulip. The dogs scrabble at the window. The DMV voicemail, completely inaudible, drones on.

"-C45", it says, "Remember, you must bring your Appointment Code to your Appointment. Thank you for calling the Department of Motor Vehicles. For information about our hours and locations, please press 1."

So Adrienne cannot go to her appointment. She does not have her important Appointment Code. She'll just have to drop by.

Sometimes that's just how it goes.