Ruru the Guru -- Can We Sell Cars?

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you'd find listed "Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service" at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this --

"Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the modern telepathic answering service that can help you move your merchandise!

"I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

"Several people telepathed in last week wanting to know can we sell cars ...

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But That's My Side!

Mercy Medical Center, Mount Shasta: Adrienne is recovering from the Komodo Kitty bite, or rather she's recovering from the vile and pernicious bacterial infection, which, untreated, would have made her a dead person by today. It's been pretty hard on her.

For one thing, Dr. Miller has installed tiny tubes inside her fingers which drip gorilla-cillin down into the infection, and she has these two valves which must be reset every hour. Drip on one tube, then drip on the other tube, then drip on the last tube.

Even on a Serta-brand mattress, waking once hourly for carburator adjustments does not make for a good night's sleep.

And the lack of sleep is taking its toll.

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Komodo Kitty

Mercy Medical Center, Mount Shasta: I mean, bad kitty! Bad cat! It happened like this ...

Adrienne was taking care of a kitty for some friends. The kitty's name is Kitty, which is odd because when my brother David was a child, he also had a kitty named Kitty. That's some kind of coincidence!

So as to prevent cat conflagration, we kept Kitty out of the house, which means he's been batching it with me in my office, and hanging out in the garage.

The trouble started when he escaped a few nights ago.

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To Hear the Angels Sing

Westbury Hotel, San Francisco, 1974: One evening, as I was working the graveyard shift with Henry So, the night auditor, I had the phone to my ear and noticed something very odd.

"Henry!" I called out. "Did you hear the angels sing?"

Henry, slim and dapper in his charcoal suit with vest, put down his Benson & Hedges cigarette, and said no, he'd not heard the angels sing. Actually, what he said was "Whaaaa?"

So I showed him, and I'll share this wonderful secret with you, too. After all, it's the season of love, right?

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Ruru the Guru -- Paying Debts with Dreams?

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you'd find listed "Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service" at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this --

"Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, your absolutely free telepathic answering service -- at no charge whatsoever!

"I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

"You know, some people just can't believe that we're providing free telepathic answering service. In fact the other day me and my buddy, Babba Jamas, was coming back from the little Himalaya Convenience Store up the gulch, and one of the Sherpas that was helping us hold the rope, he asked:

"Ruru, you know when you're dreaming?

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Drinking Responsibly during the Holidays

From The Onion: "If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know."

Want more handy tips? Visit The Onion's Tips Section.

Telling Lies and Peeking

Schoolyard, New Hampshire, 1954: Adrienne was in first grade, and the other little girl smelled like dog poop.

"You smell like doog poop," Adrienne told her.

It didn't go over very well.

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Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty Hawk.

Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, December 17, 1903: After a string of glider tests, Orville launches the world's first airplane, as Wilbur watches.

Steering by shifting his weight, Orville is aloft for 120 feet. It took 12 seconds to change the world.

Searching for Meadow Hearth

New Hampshire, Summer 1955: Adrienne's mother dressed her in a leotard and pink dancing pumps, and they drove to Meadow Hearth. From the road, unseen, but rounding the footpath through the trees, they came upon the meadow.

On the far side of the clearing was the stage, with mirrors and exercise bars extending back into the room behind. The woman who ran it hauled the backdrops up from New York city. An artsy-type, wearing dance clothes and a headband.

There the little girls learned to dance. Toward the end of the long summer, a recital, and in the twilight, with the meadow filled with parents and friends, and fireflies flickering through the dark beneath the trees, the girls danced and presented their play.

Does the dance ever end?

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Ruru the Guru -- Does he Really Like Me?

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you'd find listed "Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service" at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this --

"Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the good-time telepathic answering service that can get you fixed up!

"I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

"You know, sometimes I think you humans do things the hard way.

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The Texas-Oklahoma Game

The Fairmont Hotel, Dallas Texas, 1964: As perhaps you know, there is a rivalry of many years between the football teams of University of Texas in Austin (the Longhorns) and Oklahoma State University in Stillwater (the Oakies). It's a big deal.

This year the teams were neck and neck, and the final game was held in Dallas. I drove down from Denton with my girlfriend Carolyn to spend the evening with Dr. Martin and his family for the big game.

The Fairmont Hotel is old and snooty, so that's where they stayed. I'm lukewarm on sports, but I was looking forward to a great meal in the hotel restaurant.

We started down in the elevator.

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Out, Damned Wart!

San Francisco, 1978: The answering service had expanded, driving me out of Apartment #8. Rosie and I moved up the hall to Apartment #5. I was working out, and staying thin.

Actually, I personally believe that riding the motorcycle, which is both very physical and kind of dangerous, kept me wide awake, and staying slim was pretty easy.

I saw a lot of women, too.

And then one day I had a wart on my nose.

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Holly Dancing

North Beach, San Francisco, 1978: Adrienne found the black cockapoo on Christmas, and so the little dog was named Holly. Found abandoned on the freeway, Holly lived out her life with Adrienne.

Holly led a charmed life. The night she dug out of the back yard to investigate the neighbor's swimming pool, first she tumbled in, and then was unable to climb up the pool's lip, so she paddled through the night. In the morning, when Adrienne followed the tracks, Holly, now very feeble but still paddling, was pulled from the water. Holly tried to shake off the water, but stumbled and fell. But soon, after a few hours wrapped in a blankey, she was chipper as ever. That gal!

The Beach Blanket Babylon chapter of Holly's story came later ...

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That Big Bang Sound

13.7 Billion Years Ago: Bang!

Or was it? That is, what did it sound like, really?

Recently, an 11-year-old boy asked physicist John Cramer this question. And to answer the question, Cramer, working at the University of Washington in Seattle, has made a sound file so that you can hear the Big Bang for yourself.

Here's how:

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