Madame X

Henrietta, Texas: When I was a teen, I worked at the A&P grocery store on Monday mornings and on Saturdays. Monday mornings because the weekly truck came from Dallas, and we had to unload endless boxes of canned peas. Saturdays because, in our farming community, the folks living out in the county came to town to buy groceries on Saturdays.

I served my apprenticeship at the A&P. The butcher came to me one day and told me that his bacon-stretchers had broken and he sent me to Garrison's grocery to borrow theirs. The Garrison's butcher said his were in the shop and sent me to Nolen's Grocery. Nolen's butcher sent me to Harry Harder's store, and Harry swore that our butcher already had his.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

On Saturdays, most of the day was bagging groceries and carrying them to people's cars. However, there was a lady, call her Madame X, who came walking to the store. She had a little cart, and her groceries went into the cart.

Her life had stopped one day, though she went on.

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A Tribute to Bing Pon

San Francisco, April 15, 2007: Bing Pon passed away at age 94.

Born in Canton, China in 1913, he immigrated to San Francisco at age 11, attending St. Mary's School in Chinatown, and in 1932 he returned to China where he married a young woman named Thoat Lon.

In 1941, he enlisted in the U.S. Navy, and during World War II he served on the Destroyer USS Kirkland. He and his crewmates survived many battles at sea, and at the end of the war he returned to San Francisco to begin the long process of bringing his family to America.

It took years.

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How to Speak Chinese

Lyon Street, San Francisco, 1990: Adrienne worked at the Fine Art gallery in Sausality, driving the surveillance vehicle to and from work. That's what we called the grey Nissan Sentra, because I'd bought it when I was Dr. Detecto, the private investigator.

But fact is, there is a limit to how long you can sit in a grey Nissan Sentra, just surveilling. My limit turned out to be about fifteen minutes.

That's why Adrienne drove the surveillance vehicle to work in Sausalito. We still lived in the fourth-floor garrett at Lyon and Oak, perched high on the corner overlooking the Panhandle Park, originally named because it's like a handle on the pan of Golden Gate park further up the street. Later the Bored of Supervisors changed its name from Panhandle Park to Panhandle Park. It's the same name, sure, but now it's named after the bums that hang out and pester you for spare change.

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How to Break a Glass

Some years ago, you probably saw that television advertisement for 'Memorex' brand recording tape, where the lady opera singer breaks a glass by singing a certain note. When you saw her doing that, you probably wanted to break a glass that way, too. I know I did.

Here's how to do it ...

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How to Make a tiny Zipgun

Henrietta, Texas, 1958: Billy Ray Johnson showed me how. You'll need a shotgun shell, a bicycle spoke, a kleenex, and some matches. Follow these instructions at your own risk.

Open the paper end of the shotgun shell -- carefully -- and take out the shot and the charge of gunpowder. Do not strike or mess with the firing cap on the metal end, because it can explode.

On one end of the bicycle spoke is a little knob, and on the other a removable sleeve. On the end with the knob, curl the spoke around to make a handle you can hold. On the other end, unscrew the sleeve and then screw it back reversed, but only screw it on about a quarter-inch. This will give you a tiny barrel sticking out.

Fill the barrel most of the way with gunpower, then wrap a bit of kleenex around one of the shot and push it into the barrel.

Hold the mini-zipgun facing away from yourself and everybody else. Outside, and clear of any pets is best. Heat the barrel with a match. Soon the gunpower will explode, shooting the shot somewhere. There is no telling where it will actually go.

Caution: the mini-zipgun is not a good choice for law enforcement or big-game hunting.

How to Get a Girlfriend (or a Boyfriend)

Midwestern University, Wichita Falls, Texas, 1970: As a teen and a young adult, for years and years (and years and years) I was very clumsy when it came to women, and having returned to college at age 26 I decided that this really ought to be something that I could learn.

So I thought about it, and thought about it, and had a brainstorm!, and developed a method, and it worked for me. (I realize this is starting to sound like an infomercial, but it isn't! I promise I'll tell you how to get a girlfriend if you could use some help.)

I told some friends about my marvy new method, and several tried it, and it worked for them, too. Seems to work for guys wanting girlfriends; seems to work for women wanting boyfriends; probably works for other combinations too.

So after refining it over several years, I wrote it all down. I once thought I might publish it, but later I decided just to sell it very cheaply on EBay, in hopes that some other guys won't have to go through being awkward as I was.

This surprisingly-effective method is written up like a report -- very easy to read -- and along with two more handy ebooks as bonus material, you can get this method online with direct immediate download. For lots more information about what's in it, and how it works, and details about our TWO money-back guarantees, see our infopage at --

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Dr. Detecto Rescues a Rope

Daly City, 1989: If you read a Dashiel Hammett book about Sam Spade, or even a modern Sue Grafton book about Kinsey Milhone, you will discover that their investigations are exciting, dangerous, and apparently pay the bills. (Though Sam Spade seemingly just throws his bills into the trash.)

When I was Dr. Detecto, the private investigator, my own investigations were neither exciting, nor dangerous, nor did they pay the bills.

As proof, I respectfully submit my most exciting, dangerous, and profitable case -- the Case of the Rescued Rope ...

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Balance

Wichita Falls, Texas, 1961: During the summer, I worked as a laborer on the construction site. We were building a high school. The concrete foundation was completed, and the concrete beams and upper floors were in progress.

Here's how it's done: Carpenters and iron-men work together. The carpenters build wooden forms for the columns and beams, and the iron-men wire knobby lengths of iron inside these forms. The lengths of iron are called rebar; I'd guess it stands for "reinforcing bar". These rods are wired to support them so that, when the concrete has been poured, the iron rods go all through the concrete. That way, if the concrete ever cracks, the metal rods keep it from falling apart.

It was hot as hell, out on that concrete slab.

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How to Ride a Bike

Henrietta, Texas, 1952: Back when I was six years old, in September one morning my mother took me to school. I was excited and afraid, but after a few days I liked it, and then, the weather being mild the following spring, my mother showed me how to walk to school.

The first few days, we drove in our 1951 Chevrolet, and she pointed out the window to show me this and that landmark. Then one morning we walked. Down to the highway, watching the cars, and then across for another block. A right turn and fourteen blocks in a row, and by golly there was the school!

So it wasn't long before I wanted a bicycle.

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Apple Blossoms. I'm 63.

Mount Shasta, April 7, 2007: Winter just last week, and yesterday spring came hand in hand with summer, like old friends returning to the tavern after a long talk through the woods. Pals now, content, no feuds today. Across the street, George Brown's apple trees in blossom. Lilacs obscure the front window. In our back yard, our apple tree awaits, but the pear tree is raucous.

My birthday today, so a special 'Thank you!' to my mama! Long gone from this planet, but maybe you'll hear my gratitude through the walls of time.

I'm being transformed, is what it is.

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Tulip's Yard

Marin Humane Society, September 1993: It happened right after Adrienne's daughter Celina got shot.

When Celina had married Ray, they had a child named Jessica, and when Jessica was about three, Celina and Ray called it quits, and Celina married a bum.

The bum didn't treat Jessica very well, but one day he gave Celina and Jessica tickets to go to a spa to the north, a day-trip. How nice.

Except that when they returned, he'd moved away, taking all the furniture, leaving bare walls.

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Going to the Dogs No More

Mount Shasta, CA, September 2, 2003: Adrienne has done it right. The best time to leave a job or profession is when you're at the top. She is, and she has.

For the last ten years she's operated Adrienne's All-Weather DogWalking Service in Marin County. A month ago, she sent a letter to her clients, to let them know she was closing her business, because we were moving away.

Oh, the tears! She's become part of the lives of these families, including the Mayor of Ross and one of Arnold Schwartzenegger's current advisory panel. The lovely letters she's received are quite touching. She says all the dogs could tell. She told each one. The last day, she saw Izzy and Coley.

She and Coley Mulroy, a large black lab, like to dance to country music. He puts his paws on her shoulders, and she says, "Shake it, Coley" and he does the shimmy, to the strains of Shania Twain. She had her last dance with Coley. She said good bye.

When I picked Adrienne up on Sunday, she and I and Tulip and Percy got into the new Ford.

And we drove away.

The Terror of Voicemail

San Anselmo, California, June 6, 2003:Adrienne will be dropping by the Department of Motor Vehicles, to renew her license, to take her pretty picture and provide a thumbprint.

She has an appointment for next week, but she cannot go to her appointment, due to the convenient DMV voicemail-appointment system.

It sounded like a good idea.

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Adrienne's All-Weather Dog-Walking Service

San Anselmo, 1994: Adrienne's border collie Tulip showed no signs of slowing down as she matured. Three trips daily to the Port Isabel dog park wasn't enough.

After her Chinese landlord said dog goes or move, in Adrienne's new apartment, the Danish landlord was cool, but the loony tenant downstairs first harassed Tulip in the yard, and then complained when she barked at him. Phone calls went round and round.

Moving again. To a house in San Anselmo. It had no yard, but it was quiet, though that would change later.

But still, what to do with the bouncing, energetic Tulip?

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Dead Man Boots

January 3, 2004, Mount Shasta: We've had storms of snow, swirling thickly, white-out visibility, and heaps on the ground up to my waist.

I've never seen such snow before. Growing up in Texas, some winters we'd see snow. A really heavy snow might be four or five inches. It would linger a few days, growing muddy and fading away.

A new year's resolution is to exercise more. I've really been in luck on that one.

I've never shoveled snow before. Driving a trail from the back door to the office, to the gate, to the car, and then clearing the five-foot berm thrown up by the town's snow plow.

Let's just say I'm off to a good start on my exercise.

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