Posted Saturday 08 May 2004

Telemarketers, Again

[From Bankrate.com:] More responses for your telemarketer-calling pleasure --

CHARLES THE POET
Answer with: "I am so glad you called, I just finished some poetry that I wanted to try out. I will be glad to listen to the rest of your call if you'll listen to my poem."

"Sometimes, in life, you find, that if you try, as you will and have before, you may be ..."

Now fill in the rest with rambling nonsense for about a minute; then stop. When the telemarketer starts to talk, cut him off and start rambling again for another few minutes. Continue this as many times as is necessary until he hangs up.

If the telemarketer is persistent, you ask:

"Did you like the poem?"

If he says yes, ask which part he liked the best. Demand specifics, and then comment at length on the emotional angst and spiritual juxtaposition of the part he has chosen.

NO PHONE
"I'm sorry, but we don't have a telephone."

SANTALAND
Answer: "One moment." Make pausing and clicking sounds. Then answer: "This is Buddy the Elf." Then talk very very fast about a shipment and some problems in the workshop, so that they don't understand you when you then say, "Loser says what?" Repeat as needed.

RADIO STATION
You answer: "Caller number nine, you're on the air. What song would you like to hear?"